Monday, July 9, 2012

Girl, Forgiven

Like many people, it was during a period of chaos when I arrived at the clarity that would deliver me to this blog. Guided by what I thought people expected of me rather than what I wanted for myself left me lost. I had been in my new home of San Francisco for only six months, but I felt like I'd already lived a hundred lifetimes. I was in a lot of pain -- new pain from a very confusing break up, and old pain from a very long time ago. I was trying to make a lot of things happen because I thought it would make a lot of people pleased with me, but I couldn't tell you what would make me pleased with myself.

I was unraveling -- crying every morning for reasons I could not discern, relapsing into self destructive behavior, and angry with myself for the life I saw as failure. It began to interfere with my work, my personal relationships, and my health. I decided I was done feeling like crap, and began reaching out for help.

I was advised not to make any major life decisions, but I made one anyway: I am going to return to my first love and my greatest talent by actively pursuing writing. It is a relief.

The D-word (Depression!!!) is something I have struggled with all my life. Before I moved to San Francisco from LA, I'd been seeing a therapist and making very good progress. When I moved I thought I would test myself, but a lot of things happened, and this sadness is bigger than I am, so I need help. I am fragile and raw, yet receptive and determined, because whether I like it or not, I totally embody that Chumbawamba song.

I wanted to start a blog not only to practice writing, but to offer others support, encouragement, and a bit of comedic relief the best way I know how: by just being myself. Embracing my wild moods, I thought of the movie Girl, Interrupted, but recognized that I wasn't anywhere near hospitalization. I thought of "Girl, Unraveled," but didn't like the connotation. I thought about some of the greatest advice I've ever received yet rarely follow: "Would you say the things you say to yourself to someone else?" No, you would forgive your friends for crying on your shoulder and confessing their weaknesses, for 2am phone calls and emergency ice cream dates in the park, for trying something new and totally failing yet learning along the way.

And so I am Girl, Forgiven.

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